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Da Crazy Universes in Cly's Head
Stay on the marked path or you'll never get back...
Yeah, so, let's see, new stuff happening. I'm single again. I hate it. No one to snuggle with. No one to share my life with. Oh, the woes! *kicks the pity party out the window* Fuckin get over this shit, will ya?

Let's see, what else? Tired of being used, tired of being the soulless hole everyone keeps taking advantage of. I swear, I keep trying to change my life, I keep thinking of all the things I WANT and not the things I don't want. That's The Secret, right? It doesn't seem to be working. I'm still trying. I just feel like it's a hopeless cause.

I sent my book into the publisher. Still waiting for a response. I know I will be a successful author, with lots of money and lots of fans and there will be movies and stuff of my books. I know this.

But it feels hollow without someone to share my dream. I'm so tired of the jerks. Even the unintentional ones. Do not pursue me, and then just drop me when you feel like it. I am not meat. I am a human being, a beautiful, creative, intelligent, powerful extension of the God Force that flows through us all. I deserve to be treated as such. I deserve to be treated with respect and love.

Maybe I should just be happy that I have a dog and my kitties, and that they love me. I have an awesome roommate. I am grateful. I just wish I had that special someone to share my life with. It will happen someday, I'm just worried it will happen long after I can have a child. *sigh* Such is life, I suppose.

Oh, what a tortured soul I am. Here I am, pouring out what I can of my heart without being a weak punk, but there is no feeling of release. Hurry up and be published, book! At least I can take that meek solace that lies in success.

Current Music: American Trash by Innerpartysystem

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Seriously, I haven't written in like, years, I think. I can't believe this journal is still here. I read through it and I'm like, "What?" XD Wow.

Let's see. Got over my angst of bullshitting pricks. Think that was my last entry. Lost my guard job over more bullshitting pricks. Got on unemployment and went back to college for Automotive. More bullshitting pricks. Played WoW all that time... see previous sentence.

And then, out of all the shit and stupidity and cruelty and heart breaks, there was Christian. Quiet on vent, soft spoken, shy, really sweet. Got to know him through all the BS going on at the time, and now we are happily ever after. He moved out from Michigan to be with me.

Dropped out of college again. 3rd time now. Trying so hard to get a more stable job. *sighs* No longer playing WoW. Played Rift a bit, then Hellgate, then DDO and just can't do it anymore. I'm too intent on getting my books finished and published because I think that's the only thing that will get me the money! I suck at just about everything else.

Check out my stories! http://storiesonline.net/auth/Cly Seriously, you'll like them. Especially if you like Sci-fi, fantasy, and little bit of eroticism thrown in for flavor. My stories are actual stories with sex in them. I don't write with flowers in my teeth. When you've got a male and female together, they are gonna fuck most of the time, especially in the kinds of situations my characters find themselves in. So if you like aliens and dragons and furries (not necessarily all together), then check it out!

Anyways, I'm off for now. Now that I've rediscovered this, I might start writing here more often again. Who knows.

Current Location: Somewhere in the Universe of my head
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Infinity- Guru Josh Project

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I'm done with all this. I've been holding it all in so goddamn fucking much, and I can't take it anymore, can't keep it bottled up. For anyone who thinks I'm being dramatic or whatever, your thoughts are your own, just as mine are, and you don't have to read, but I have to write. If I don't, I'm going to pull the plug on this life and let it go.

I was once the foundation for all my friends. I was once happy, cheerful, easy to get along with. I went through hell, abused all my life by my mother, abused even worse by the people I loved and cared about. And the stone that I was made of has cracked. I'm left with nothing to hold onto, just what little honor and pride in my values I had left... and now even those are gone. All that I have left are my cats.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I've broken. Broken beyond what I can fix alone. And why? Because of a lapse in judgment, because of a little outburst, because of my shattered, bleeding heart begging for the love of someone who wouldn't give it. Words so harsh, so sharp, they split me open and there are no stitches to heal this.

Why? I was mad. I had every right to be. How did I throw him away? I asked him if I could fix it! How did I hurt him? How did I blame him? No, all the blame was on her. It still is. I simply humor them. The last thing he wanted from me was to be friends with her. Friends, never. Civil, yes, for his sake. But if she wanted to be friends with me, then her behavior would show it. Actions speak louder then words. BITCH!

He claimed to love me, but if he did, he would have given me the chance to calm down, he would have listened to my grievances. He said I don't take responsibility for what I do. I blamed mostly myself for what happened! He states still that he'll never find someone who loves him for him. That was all I had, that was all I gave, love, pure and undemanding. I was willing to be patient. To wait for him to feel ready to commit. Who else would do that for someone so unagreeable? He wouldn't listen to my reasoning, that I was mad not because the events happened, but because she was my friend, or at least she tried to be.

Then her mate. I had nothing against him. I still don't, for the most part. My own fault. Such a slut. What little honor I had left is broken. And the guilt adds to the deep pain.

I just needed time to figure it all out, to see where all the faults lay. There was enough blame to go around for everyone, including me. Lack of clear communication on my part.

But I'm tired of being so jerked around. So tired of it. I still feel like they have some kind of game going on. They're still trying to hold me to this, giggling amongst themselves until they drive me to madness. And yet my heart still prays that he'll see the fault in what he did, and what he said, that he'll offer his hand to me again. I long for his touch, his kiss, feeling him near. I still feel like I'm connected to him, but it's my own fucked up wishful thinking, begging for something good to come along at last.

I'm so tired of the abuse. So very tired. There is more to me then a body. There is more to me then just the flesh. And yet that's all anyone ever seems interested in.

I just want to find someone who is willing to forgive my manic, often random behavior, the same way I'm willing to forgive in return. Dammit, is that so rare? I guess. I'm expected to apologize every time I have an opinion of my own, when I feel hurt and say so. I'm expected to forgive everyone of their faults. Where is my forgiveness? Where are the apologizes to me? None of them apologized to me. That they helped with this further crumbling of what sanity I had left, of what little honor I had for myself. No, I was the one apologizing and beseeching them for forgiveness for my outburst. All for what? Because they were the ones who hurt me? How did I hurt them? I spoke, they acted! These are not equal.

Ok, at least I got that little bit off my chest. It's not as much as I wanted, there's just so much more I want to say, but I'll never get the chance, not to them like I would like. So much I want to say to their faces, but never gonna get that chance. Not like they care to hear that I have a voice.

Current Music: Take a Bow- Muse

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Been depressed and restless lately. Not quite sure what's going on. Need to find a new place. A far away place. I think I need to start over again. Find new people. Drop it all.

Am I just crazy? Lost? Confused. Alone. Torn.

I know I should quit smoking but I don't want to.

Searching for something. Is it myself?

Lookin for love in all the wrong places and all the wrong people. Will I ever be right?

My soul hurts. Misplaced. I don't belong here.

Current Location: Lost
Current Music: Brand New Day- Ryan Star

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Well, I've had my own place for a while, still dealing with the divorce, discovered lord dipshit has got himself a new lover, fat ugly bitch who has more of a mustache than most men. She even had a hickie on her neck. I am laughing. Hard. And manically.

But besides that, life goes well enough. Good food, good cigarettes, my little kitties, and lots of friends. Speaking of cigarettes, if my friend wasn't here looking for work in this area I'd smoke one in the house. Oh well. Such is life. Just gonna enjoy it while I can.

Current Location: a place of dark and evil
Current Music: The Royal We- Silversun Pickups

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Gonna have my own apartment really soon. Next weekend. WoW themed sex parties FTW! *waves a purple dildo* I HAVE AN EPIC!

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: Heads will roll- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

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So, I'm meeting people at work. Fun people. All I need now is my own place. I'm gonna start looking this weekend.

But as such, life is well enough. Just shittin around and whatnot. I'll chat more once this divorce is over and I have my own place.

Current Location: In the never ending blahness

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It is pwning my ass worse than Mavarahk pwned that damned hunter. So, this belf hunter is trying his damnedest to kill Mav, and well, think i killed him 5 for every 1 he manged to get me. But I respect him. He was lvl 69 and I'm lvl 66. It was fun.

But yeah, blah, life is........ um.............................. life. I'm breathing, that's pretty much what I'm thankful for right now.

*sigh* Stress is killin me. I'm trying not to let it, but damn I almost broke yesterday. But I'll just lift my head and keep on treading this never ending hell of an existance until it reaches its end, whenever that might be.

Til then, I'll keep pwning ass in PvP and having my ass pwned by work. At least I'm making some interesting friends. At least 3 males I've met lately have offered to help me make my new place more.... inviting. Gonna be fun times.

Current Location: Standing on the edge of a dream
Current Music: Rough Sex- Lords of Acid

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Oh, and I have a job now. A security guard! Gonna be fun, my first day is gonna 14 hours long!

And in WoW today, I pwned some serious noob ass! Warsong Gultch was awesome because it was 2:1 for the horde, and we all thought we were gonna be destroyed, but I came up with a strategy and everyone actually listened and we won with perfection. We got all their flags and they got none of ours. It was epic. We had 1:30 to spare out of a 15 min timer. I think That'll teach Horde a lesson! I love Mavarahk, my DK. She rules. Fresh out of the DK starting zone and already pwning left and right. I also have a new way of thinking about PVP. It just takes patience. We get pissed and of course you're gonna hate it. Have some patience and it is a lot more fun. Oh and Alterac Valley, We won by 10 points only. I fucking love Emberstorm battlegroup. You guys gank awesome! I <3 PVP. And Remember: FOR THE FUCKING HORDE!

Current Location: Warsong Gultch
Current Mood: pwning
Current Music: Hide and Seek

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Watch more videos of WoW

World of Warcraft has sucked out my soul and replaced it with pixels. I'm not even the slightest bit ashamed. So if any of you are wondering, that's where I've been all this time!

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful
Current Music: Meet me at Ulduar

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